Chronicles of the Knights Simplar

Coalition of the Chillin': SCOTUS Division

2005-10-06T00:27:00.000-04:00

Update-problem solved! Miers withdraws!

I am old enough to remember conservatives second-guessing President Reagan on innumerable issues. While I am concerned about Miers' experience (or lack thereof), maybe this is what the doctor ordered. I am not endorsing her necessarily, but in deference to President Bush's track record so far, I am willing to listen and give her a chance. Is that so wrong?

Thanks to Patrick Ruffini

Open letter to John F'ing Kerry

2005-10-04T22:44:00.000-04:00

To John F'ing Kerry:

Dear John:
As you may know it's Tuesday (I thought I'd start slowly, since you did worse than President Bush at school.) Do you know why Tuesday is important? Because it's the FREE JOHN KERRY'S SF180 BLOGGER BONANZA! Sorry, I'll stop shouting now. You promised us on national television. We will even help you fill it out. Do you need a pen? Are there ketchup stains on it? What exactly is the F'ing problem? We will keep writing to you. We will keep writing about you. We will correct the old adage that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Once again, we ask you to let your 180 go!

I'm sure that this is a bipartisan effort, because as you have repeatedly reminded us, you are a war hero, so why should you or any of your followers be worried about releasing these forms? You guys should be happy to do so. Share your daring exploits with us. Hell, maybe I'll even vote for you, before I vote against you (now I know I've had too much cough syrup!) Did you throw it over a fence, or was it someone else's 180, or just a copy of the 180? It's so hard to keep it all straight isn't it? John, we'll talk to you next week, in the mean time-did you look under one of Teresa's couches?

If you would like to ask John F'ing Kerry where his 180 forms are, write him here

Welcome to the Chronicles of the Knights Simplar

2005-09-30T01:05:00.000-04:00

Repost from August 20, 2005-first entry

I fear that I am the last member of this ancient order. Join me on my quest to find shining beacons of liberty and freedom. Who doesn't like shiny things? Well, I love shiny things, just look at this suit I'm wearing. You thought you had trouble getting through the airport? But that just goes to show how much I really enjoy shiny things.

Anyway, where was I...ah yes, join me on my quest to uncover the brave and shiny deeds of liberty loving heroes like Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi and Ted Turner. Prime examples of the selfless, shiny (sorry) courage required to keep this great land of ours as free as Vichy France.

Ancient Order of the Knights Simplar-About Us

2005-09-30T01:01:00.000-04:00

Repost from August 21, 2005-mission statement
As I said, I am the last member of this ancient order. Why am I the last you might ask? Well, chicks don't seem to dig the armor as much as we thought they would (it does get hot at the beach), and since we are a monastic order, even if we get a girl, we couldn't, well, you know, make little Knights Simplars.

But I continue my mission unabated to cherish and celebrate the simple things in life. We are devoted to the simple things, and complexity in all of it's dastardly forms is our sworn enemy, although complex carbohydrates aren't that bad, and we don't go as far as the Amish (we use buttons, for example, and computers).

Specifically it is the search for simple thoughts that drives me and my trusty warhorse, Peanut, forward on our quest. Those thoughts that are unblemished by such things as consideration, contemplation, and reflection. I will brook no epistemological distinctions and I shall bear no logical causalities in my quest, so help me God! But where does one look to find such purity? Wait! I think Ted Turner just said something!

North Korean Sports Update

2005-09-29T15:25:00.000-04:00

Since there isn't much going on today-this congressman is under indictment, that Chief Justice is sworn in, yada, yada...I thought I'd look around for something interesting;

Korean News:
Peanut and I have fond memories of our time recuperating in the excellent worker's paradise hospital/forced labor mining camp (see The Shepherd and the Magi for more on that) so I was distressed when I discovered that I missed the first day of the Pyongyang International Invitational Bowling Tournament (scroll half way down), but I am pleased to say that there are still two more days of excitement to come. Jong In Chol, the Vice-Chairman of the Korean Physical Culture and Sports Guidance commission, opened the festivities with a speech, in which he said the tournament would help in "promoting the development and dissemination of bowling technique." Indeed! Great stuff from the vice-chairman, but with all do respect, what gives? Why didn't the actual Chairman of the KPC-SGC show up? What could be more important in your country than the PIIBT?
Perhaps I'm due for a little re-education but the Annual People's Lawn Dart-Political Prisoner Reunification Celebration (symbolic of the inevitable and glorious "national unity") isn't for another two weeks, and the Annual Democratic Children's Juche Whack-A-Mole Tournament has been cancelled, since the confusion at last year's tournament when the Dear Leader was almost pummeled to death by mistake. Perhaps you were in negotiations with the IOC? In any case, be sure to tune in to the DPRKESPN for all of the coverage!
Sir Tad, signing out.

To see how you can help the people of North Korea check out The U.S. Committee for Human Rights in North Korea (HRNK)

I Endorse Reparations*!

2005-09-28T23:34:00.000-04:00

Hat tip Little Green Footballs

Mellanie Philipps discusses the book "White Gold" by Giles Milton, which details the religion of peace's two centuries long kidnapping and slavery ring. These victims were mostly from Cornwall and England. I would like to caution that although the book has been substantiated by numerous historic documents it has not been approved by Dan Rather or Mary Mapes.

More information on Dhimmitude

*Not really-it was just a grabber, sorry.

Take Back the Memorial Success...for a while

2005-09-28T20:18:00.000-04:00

Hat tip Michelle Malkin

Pataki says "Freedom Center" won't be at Ground Zero

Former Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, in a written statement, said "the governor has made the right decision."

Help John Find His Missing War Records

2005-09-27T18:42:00.000-04:00

I know they're here somewhere...Teresa!

240 Day ago, John F'ing Kerry promised the people of this country, while on national television, that he would sign SF 180 (special form 180) so that his full and complete military records could be released to anyone who asked for them.

Mr. Russert: Would you sign Form 180?
Sen. Kerry: But everything, Tim...
Mr. Russert: Would you sign Form 180?
Sen. Kerry: Yes, I will.

On June 7, 2005, Kerry had some records released to his biographer, Boston Globe reporter Michael Kranish. They have yet to be released to anyone else, and the Globe isn't telling us what's in them. They will only say that there is a"lack of any substantive new material about John Kerry's military career in the documents." Then what's the problem? Is it that the records aren't complete? Do they include the after-action reports related to Kerry's awards? Do they include details of his traitorous meeting with the Provisional Revolutionary Government in Paris? John F'ing Kerry, what's the F'ing problem? Set your records free!

Free Kerry's 180 Blogroll by Cao's Blog. The blogburst will be every Tuesday until Kerry's 180 is released. Join today, and help Free Kerry's 180!

Sir Tad Goes to Washington Jail

2005-09-27T13:32:00.000-04:00

From the Scribe-
Being Knights Simplars, Sir Tad and his fierce battle charger Peanut are big fans of Dan Brown's books. Whenever they can, they love reading about our sister organization the Knights Templar, and the conspiricies that surround them. Sir Tad came to learn that the Scribe Dan Brown's latest book was going to be about the Freemasons and was to take place in our Great Nation's Capitol, Washington D.C., so Sir Tad and Peanut headed to Washington to visit the Masonic Temple there, and to do a little sightseeing. Never did we expect the distressing phone call that was to follow-

"Thank you for calling the Global Headquarters of the International Knights Simplar, LLC. Your call is very valuable to us..."

Sir Tad, "Yes, hello! I need to speak to someone in..."

"If you would like instructions in English, please press 1, por habla Espagnol ..."

"Damnest be thou foul voicemail system!" Sir Tad exclaimed in fury as he smashed his mailed fist into the phone.

"You chose...23...for Norwegian. Is this correct? Please press 1 if this is corr.."

When he once again smashed the cursed phone, a policman looked over at him at which Sir Tad replied, "sorry about that."

"You pressed...54. I'm sorry, but...54 is not an option. To hear the menu again, please press 1...to speak to an actual person, please stay on the line."

Twenty three minutes later, Sir Tad finally got through to me and he excitedly explained what happened.

I said "Slow down Sir Tad and start from the beginning please!"

"Well, Peanut and I were a little tired from walking all day and my feet were quite sore since I was wearing my new boots of mail, and we were a little lost if I must admit it, so we just sat down for a few minutes in front of the White House..."

"I see, they don't really allow you to do that..." I replied. "I know that now!" Sir Tad shouted, "But no one bothered to tell me that! All of the guards were busy watching a group of people approaching with the same kind of sign-on-a-stick thingies that I saw in Texas."

"Yes, signs of protest, go on..." I urged.

"Well, the next thing I knew," continued Sir Tad, "all of these people started sitting around me, and I thought I recognized a few of them from that excellent Cookout in Crawford that I attended a few weeks ago, so I started chatting to one or two of them and the next thing I know, Peanut and I are being thrown into a Paddy Wagon!"

"That's incredible! Didn't you receive some type of warning to move on before they arrested you?" I queried.

Sir Tad replied sheepishly,"Well, I might have, but there was much noise, and I had my helmet on, and you know how hard it is to hear with this thing."
"Yes, I think I understand," I offered, "I'll contact the legal department forthwith and we'll have you and Peanut out in no time."
Sir Tad said in a hushed tone, "Yes and please hurry, for I cannot take this much longer!"
"Why? Is it really so bad? Are they forcing a confession out of you? Beating you with an old telephone book? Electric shock?" I asked urgently.

"No, it's not that," Sir Tad replied, "Peanut and I stopped at Taco Bell for lunch, and you know how much Peanut loves those tasty burritos, and then they put us in the same cell and....just hurry boy! God Speed!"

I am happy to report that Sir Tad and Peanut hath since been freed after we paid their fines and they are recovering from their ordeal nicely.

For previous exploits of the Knights Simplar see-
Welcome to the Knights Simplar
Ancient Order of the Knights Simplar-About us
The Shepherd and the Magi
You Can't Stop Running Water
Thank God for Sean Penn!
Picnic with the ACLU

September Straw Poll

2005-09-27T13:13:00.000-04:00

Patrick Ruffini has the September Straw Poll up at his site. Pretty interesting stuff. He has added a new feature that allows you to tag your vote and track it.

I'm a Republican and I'm Ashamed of Democratic Tactics

2005-09-27T12:32:00.000-04:00

It is coming out that the "Republican Ashamed of this GOP" is actually a Democrat. His contributions to the DNC and John Kerry are coming to light. I am not holding my breath for the mainstream media to cover this in follow up stories. Wizbang has the list of campaign contributions. Hat tip to The Art of th Blog. What is impressive is that this "man" manages to fit two lies in using only eight words. He isn't a Republican, and he has no shame!

Let me cut the weaselers off at the pass. I know many corporations donate to both parties to cover their bases, but these are donations by private individuals, listed as Mr. or Mrs. Jeb Eddy depending on the donation. If you can find evidence of similar contributions by the darling couple to the RNC, then by all means, bring them to light, otherwise save your breath.

Charade of Fools or See Cindy Smile

2005-09-26T15:42:00.000-04:00

"The whole world is watching" Cindy Sheehan make a mockery out of the risks and sacrifices that real political dissidents face in their fight for freedom. I say this because she intentionally got herself arrested for the symbolism of it all. She wasn't being arrested for speaking, or protesting; she was arrested for sitting. Anytime and anyplace a person wants to protest and picket, the big rule is that you have to keep walking, and you can't obstruct traffic. I don't care if you're a paid picketer in front of Kmart-they will arrest you if you sit down. She was warned three times by the police (and I'll bet the farm they were polite while doing it,) and she ignored them. But the message Cindy and her handlers hope to send (with a very helpful media) is that the Bush administration and it's jackbooted thugs are squashing her right to free expression. Of course, to anyone with a brain, it is apparent that Cindy has had no trouble protesting and running her mouth, in Crawford, New York, and Washington (for the last day.)
By even hinting that there is solidarity or similarity between their sophomoric antics and the brave actions of those who have struggled and still struggle for basic freedoms against tyrannical and oppressive regimes (try Tibet, China, and the former Soviet Block for a few,) Sheehan and her handlers show their ignorance of and contempt for the very real sacrifices that the truly oppressed make in an attempt to achieve freedom. But Cindy has already made the ultimate sacrifice you say? No she hasn't, her son made the ultimate sacrifice-Cindy is enjoying her celebrity.

Video and more coverage at Michelle Malkin's post "The Moonbats Aren't Done Yet!"

Blogs for Bush has a suggestion for what to do with Cindy

California Conservative has a nice commentary about a spot on piece by Chris Hitchens

Barking Moonbat Early Warning System sums it up nicely

UPDATE- Little Green Footballs has CODEPINK memo detailing plans to get Sheehan arrested. Talking points include Mahatma Ghandi!

I am Pro-Victory

2005-09-26T13:52:00.000-04:00

Inspired by Jay Tea at Wizbang and created by A North American Patriot. Go there to get the code for your site. Here is the article by Jay.

Five Things To Do Today!

2005-09-25T11:09:00.000-04:00

1) Contact your Representatives and Senators to support U.S. Congressman John Culberson's (R-Texas) push for legislation to create a citizen border patrol (HR 3622.) The members of a citizen border patrol would be deputized to make arrests, and authorized to carry a firearm. (see lower left of this page for your Congressional contacts.)

2) Contact your State Representatives (especially if you live in Michigan) and urge them to enact a law allowing citizens the right to actually defend themselves, rather than require them to run away. I know this concept may be in stark contrast to the Clinton Military Doctrine of "tucking tail and running" and the inscrutable strategy of"snatching defeat from the jaws of victory," as espoused by our fine anti-war activists (see Michelle Malkin's A Day Among the Moonbats for photos. Yipes!) This law would not prohibit you from exercising the aforementioned strategies of conflict avoidance, but it can't hurt that when you are defending yourself and your family, you are actually allowed to, um, defend yourself and your family. Sarah Brady's concern is that we're "going to get the right to use them [firearms] willy-nilly." To show that we are not above compromise, I encourage you to ask your Congressmen to take the phrase "willy-nilly" out of any pending legislation. Who says we can't work together?

3) Honor a true American Hero, Rick Rescorla, by going to Political Nightmare, and reading the inspiring and heartbreaking account of his last day on Earth, and then sign the online petition to award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

4) If you haven't done so already, help honor more American Heroes by signing the Take Back the Memorial Petition and the Flight 93 Memorial contact form.

5) Now go relax and enjoy yourself. Hug your kid, hug a tree or hug a cold one; read a book, go for a walk, visit an elderly relative; I don't care what you do, just enjoy yourself and your family! Why are you still reading this? Go do something!

A Better Political Quiz, and Saturday Night Link-Fest Jamboree

2005-09-24T18:31:00.000-04:00

Basil's blog is having an Open Comment Party and Open Trackback Posting.

Sandor of The Zoo has the Blogosphere Political Compass Project. He's mapping the results from a variety of bloggers on a graph. I came out with a (6.5, .46), cozily next to Michelle Malkin who had a (6.8, 0 -no offense intended to Mr. Malkin!) Take the test and see who you come out by. I didn't see Ann's name on the list, but anyway- Ann! Call me!

One of the worst (and funniest) pictures you will ever see at California Conservative
Moonbattery has the latest American't sentiment regarding the planned "International Freedom Center" at Ground Zero
Right Thinking from the Left Coast has the life changing benefits of Tequila
Strange Women Lying in Ponds invites one and all to crash a barking moonbat festival on October 21st at UM Law
STOP the ACLU tells how the ACLU is Waging War On Recruiters-again
Amber Alert for President Bush's missing swagger at Scrappleface, he also reveals that most Americans are not actually in Iraq
Jihad Watch has the latest on, well, watching the Jihad. Islamic Clerics are asked to leave Somaliland

No More K. Annan, Now we want Farrakhan!

2005-09-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

(This is a Precision Guided Humor Assignment, for the Alliance of Free Blogs)
Late last night, in a heated closed session-pizza party-Slip N' Slide jamboree, Louis Farrakhan was elected the new Secretary General of the United Nations. While Kofi Annan's tenuous position as Secretary General has been the subject of many ponderous columns in leading newspapers, and many bake sale fundraisers at the New York Times, this latest news took even the most jaded pundits by surprise.

Maureen Dowd, beguilingly astonished as she was, managed to sniff a few lines...out. She wrote "We were all voting for Saddam! I mean, who better? With thanks to George Bushy Busherson, Saddam's not currently engaged in his chosen career path of 'population management', he has no sons (left) that can embarrass him in financial scandals, and he looks so dashing these days in that suit of his, sort of like a modern version of Robert Palmer, only with a beard and 1.5 million deaths under his belt...ladies? Am I right? Meow!"

But alas the hard boiled political analysts like Ms. Dowd would once again be left unsatiated with the news that the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan is the chosen one for this tough assignment.
Minister Farrakhan's resume is as varied as it is long. He hasn't been a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker, although he does have an interest in the holistic healing properties of aroma therapy; it has been reported that a mixture of frankincense, myrrh, and black pepper are his favorite (Cynthia Tucker asks-why is black pepper always last?)

He has been a vocalist, calypso singer, dancer, violinist and of course a man of God. Such range and flexibility is indeed worthy of a calypso singer and a dancer, because we can all attest to the fact that Farrakhans's career as a Minister of the Nation of Islam has as much to do with vaudevillian overstatement as Ted Kennedy has to do with a joint AA and AAA staff member singalong of "Bridge over Troubled Water."

His executive management style and experience was highlighted when he "accepted the request to host the first of a series of summits centered on the principals of reparations." Attracting "nearly 50 activists from across the country," and culminating in an international address to nearly 23 people, he exemplified his moderation by posing the bi-partisan and non-inflammatory questions "Reparations: What does America and Europe owe? What does Allah Promise?"

Truly, we are blessed to have a spiritual leader such as Minister Louis "the levees were blown up" Farrakhan at the helm of the UN; one who has the backing of the Great Mother Ships, and who is truly a harbinger of peace.

STOP THE ACLU is having a trackback party to celebrate their 100k hits. Lots of fun stuff posted their.

Flappy Bird!

2005-09-21T18:46:00.000-04:00

From the Scribe:
We here at the Chronicles of the Knights Simplar would like to take this opportunity to thank you, our dear and gentle reader, for today we have achieved the coveted rank of "Flappy Bird" within the TTLB ecosystem, after being in existence only a little over a month. Though we are half way up on the Flappy Bird list, we are in danger of being overtaken by a fine little blog entitled "Paris Hilton's Third Nipple", but we are confident we shall overcome.
We would like to encourage your continued and future patronage by assuring you that, given what we know of Sir Tad, there is nowhere for us to go but down. Thank you again.

Special thanks to Stop the ACLU, A Knight's Blog, and The Accidental Misanthrope for being among the first people to link to us, and our undying gratitude to The Aliance of Free Blogs, for pushing us over the edge, so to speak.

At Last, A True Man of God

2005-09-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

"Minister" Nashim Nzinga, of the Black Panthers, "speaks"-there is nothing that I can possibly say to make this funnier than it actually is-see the video here-The Political Teen, hat tip to Michelle Malkin

For some fascinating information on the "Great Mother Ship", check out the Accidental Misanthrope

Three of a Perfect Pair

2005-09-19T22:50:00.000-04:00

"The Iraqi's who have risen up against the occupation are not 'insurgents' or 'terrorists' or 'The Enemy.' They are the REVOLUTION, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow-and they will win." Michael Moore, 4/14/2004

"Freedom fighters from other countries are going in," Cindy Sheehan speaking on Iraq, August 6, 2005

"We have declared a bitter war against democracy and all those who seek to enact it."- Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, January 23, 2005

Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi-as the King Crimson song goes, they are "three of a perfect pair." Our government did nothing about Hanoi Jane. John Kerry admitted that he was a war criminal , and yet he was able to run for President. When will it end?
If you have had enough of this, then check out the Daily Banana's article "Who's up for a Lawsuit?, because he has a pretty good idea germinating over there. Is there a lawyer in the house?

For Cindy's latest exploits, see Michelle Malkin

It's here! International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

2005-09-18T03:26:00.000-04:00

Don't forget! Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day!
The Original Talk Like a Pirate Day site

Ancient History

2005-09-17T00:51:00.000-04:00

I just read an interesting post at The Accidental Misanthrope titled Warm Memories of a Cold War. I know precisely what he means by that sentiment, as strange as it may seem to some younger readers. In high school, I took a class on Russian History. It was offered under the belief that the USSR was not going away anytime soon, so we should understand our adversaries. Our teachers should have taken President Reagan more seriously; they would have realized that our attention should have been spent on other matters. I know that we are fortunate enough to have experts in our military who know how to fight our new enemy, I only hope our leaders have the wisdom to let them do their jobs.

Operation Floodgate

2005-09-16T01:47:00.000-04:00

The media frenzy surrounding the newly revealed evidence that President Bush is indeed subject to normal bodily functions is not only justified on many levels, but long overdue. Pundits on both sides of the fence have been looking long and hard (ahem) for concrete evidence of Presidential bodily functions. The Neo-Con Haliburtan-Zionist-Trilateral-Bilderburger-Boy Scouts of America intelligentsia Organization thought they had solid proof of Presidential humanity with actual DNA evidence on a blue dress, but this "so called irrefutable DNA evidence" was easily dismissed with the inscrutable philosophical question of "can you define the meaning of the word is?"
Yet it is still open to a number of interpretations. Maureen Dowd sniffed that "it is evident that W. can't hold his P.P. until he gets to his W.C."; the renaissance quality artiste, and Voltairesque commentator Ted Rall elaborated on this thought with the masterful quip that "Master George was directing his House N*gg** Condaleeza to fetch him a chamber pot right quick." Although Dennis Kucinich admitted that this may in fact be the final evidence countering his long established theory that George Bush is actually a space alien hybrid clone, Howard Dean dismissed that idea by stating that the entire episode was in fact "an elaborate, pre-planned hoax by Halliburton and their subsidiary KBR set up to deceive the American people...he never had to go in the first place...yheeeeghaaaeuaww!" [Editor's note-I already know that last one was a really cheap shot]
Neutral and even headed Political commentator Molly Ivins declared, "this is not something we Southerners usually write home about!" Cynthia Tucker queried "this is all well and good, but when do I get to go to the bathroom, Mr. President?" Indeed, Cynthia, indeed!

More at Atlas Shrugs! and BlameBush!

Honoring Our Heroes the Right Way

2005-09-15T22:25:00.000-04:00

I recently wrote about the proposed Flight 93 memorial design, and I had a reader leave a comment that ended with this statement:
"They [Conservatives] just don't like remembering dead heros [sic] as ordinary men and women who rose to the challenge.
They prefer honoring politicians who did nothing to protect us on 9/11."
I'll give credit when due, and I'll admit that that is a catchy little soundbite- false, "fictitious", unprovable, baseless and pointless...but catchy.
I responded, but I wasn't entirely satisfied with my response; as luck would have it, my father forwarded to me an email about the Sentinels at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. This was once a widely circulated email that I had read some years ago, so I checked the facts at snopes and cleaned up some of the mistakes. I find it just as powerful. Ask yourself one question while you read this- Do these men know how to "honor dead heroes as ordinary men and women who rose to the challenge?"

The Guards at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1) They take 21 steps during their walk across the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier to allude to the 21 gun salute, which is the highest honor given to any military or foreign dignitary.

2) He hesitates for 21 seconds after each 90 degree turn for the same reason (1st facing east for 21 seconds, then turning 90 degrees to face north for 21 seconds) before crisp "shoulder-arms" movement placing the rifle on the shoulder nearest the crowd, to signify that the soldier stands between the tomb, and any possible threat.

3) His gloves are moistened (even in winter), so that he may maintain his grip on his rifle.

4) He always carries his rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb.

5) The Guards are usually changed every 30 minutes (sometimes every hour, or every two hours, depending upon the season and the time of day), 24 hours a day, every day of the year.

6) Physical traits required-They must be between 5'10" and 6'4" tall. Their waist cannot exceed 30".

7) After training, the guard is formally examined for proficiency in the duties and knowledge of ANC. A 100 question test must be passed. If the guard completes these trials, a temporary Tomb Guard's Badge is awarded to him.

8) This badge is one of the military's highest honors, and can be taken away if the guard does not maintain the highest military standards. The total number of recipients of this Badge is around 525. Their badges may be revoked, even after they leave the service, if they ever do anything that is deemed behavior unbecoming a Tomb Guard, or that would bring dishonor to the Tomb. As of early 2002, nine badges have been revoked.

9) Their shoes are customized with padded soles, and toe and heel plates, to reduce wear, and to aid the guards in a smoother stride, rather than a "marching" appearance. There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Every guard spends 5 hours per day getting his uniform ready for guard duty, and they dress in front of a full length mirror.

10) Guards must spend much of their "off-duty" hours in rigorous training, rifle drills, uniform preparation, and learning the locations of the "175 notable people" buried in Arlington National cemetery.

Now just a few more questions-how many of these guards consider themselves to be Conservative, and how many consider themselves Liberal? Do you think one of these men voted for Kerry in 2004? I guess anything's possible, but somehow, I think I know the answer.

AP Reports Roberts Rebuffs Democrats' Questions

2005-09-14T01:43:00.000-04:00

Roberts skillfully avoided being subjected to a "litmus test" on abstract controversial issues. Roberts said the courts "...should have a limited role and should not create law, but rather interpret it." Obviously folks, this man is potential trouble. In contrast, Sen. Kennedy willfully admits that he may potentially drive off a bridge and kill a woman...again, and Sen. Biden is quick to reveal that the 'mothership' from Alpha Centauri may come back for him at any time.

AP report here

Roberts is seen here possibly imagining potentially harassing an imaginary non-existent, phantom person of undisclosed nationality, sexual orientation and religious affiliation. That Bastard!
Sen. Biden is consutling Miss Cleo for confirmation.

President of Iraq Makes Historic Speech...

2005-09-14T01:04:00.000-04:00

...falls on deaf ears. How is it that I first learn of this by reading my fellow (albeit superior) blogger Atlas Shrugs, when I expose myself to so many mainstream news sources every day and every hour? I imagine it's all over the blogosphere by now, but I'm not seeing it on the major news sources. Check out her post for some real information on a developing democracy.

Chrenkoff Retires from Blogging

2005-09-13T19:49:00.000-04:00

We'll miss you-

Mr. Chrenkoff wrote that his site (and it's viewers) were able to "clock up three million visits"..."since it started on March 31, 2004." The blogger's blogger. You will be missed. Be sure to scroll down on his site to see some of the reviews that he has received.

You can see his farewell post at his site Chrenkoff
As usual, hat tip to Michelle Malkin for this.

Picnic with the ACLU

2005-09-13T18:15:00.000-04:00

Warning!! Contains graphic innuendos!
From the Scribe's Archives: we know this isn't new, but it can't hurt to make sure everyone knows about this topic. It is not our intention to make light of this subject, but rather to educate people in an entertaining way. Our prayers go out to the victims of this organization.

On this day, the goode and chaste Sir Tad was in a most joyous temper, for he had receiveth an invitation to a picnic, and like all Knights Simplar, he doth loveth a goode picnic. Little did he anticipate the frightful horrors that lay before him on this grim day, so consider yourselves warned dear and gentle readers, for this tale is not fit for the squeamish, the faint of heart, the very young or old, or for small furry animals.

He hath polithed, sorry polished his and Peanut's finest golden armor until it glowed with a glimmering, sheeny, shininess...is that enough with the shiny references? Sir Tad, "just a bit more?" Fine, fine...sparkling with an intensely illuminated incandescence. We're going to need a new thesaurus at this rate! Sir Tad, "I'll pick one up on my way back...what's another word for thesaurus* in case I run into trouble?"

Sir Tad, "Thank you goode Scribe. Your cold sore seems to have cleared up nicely. As the fine scrivener hath stated, I had receiveth an invitation to a picnic by what seemed like the finest of all possible organizations-the ACLU. They informed me that they were holding this picnic for some of their special clients, an organization known as NAMBLA and they were inviting me to observe and partake of the festivities to witness the fine work that they do. I learned that the letters ACLU were in fact something known as an acronym, and it stood for the American Civil Liberties Union (searching their website, I alas could find no information about NAMBLA, but it is hard to type with mailed fists of steel, so maybe it was just me.) I could think of few organizations with higher ideals than what this ACLU collective must represent (with the exception of the Knights Simplar of course.) AMERICAN-the free, the brave; what could be better. CIVIL- as a card carrying member of an ancient order of monastic questing knights, I value civility towards my fellow man above all other things, except of course a good Shakira video (what can I say, it's hard to be monastic); LIBERTIES-what do we quest and fight for if not for liberty and freedom? UNION-um, well actually I had recently received a memo from Corporate instructing me to "temporarily" outsource our Squire services (you may have seen in an earlier post that the Knights Simplar relied upon the Squire, Smithy, and Stablehand union local #755, but apparently we are in contract negotiations right now.) So I called an agency that specializes in exactly this sort of thing, Esquire Temps. They sent over a strapping young lad named Ferdinando; he had dark intelligent eyes and didn't look a day over sixteen (though he said he was twenty-two years of age); he was straight of back and broad of shoulder, and looked like he would make an excellent knight of the quest in due time. Let us meet him and begin our tale thusly.

"Good day to thee Squire Ferdinando! Today's quest should be a piece of cake, for the sun is bright and we are attending a picnic for some fine Americans. I would like you to meet your mount for today, the fine mare Buttercup," I said holding out her reins, "she is the 'lady friend' of my fierce and fearless battle charger, Peanut!"
Ferdinando shifted awkwardly, looking at the three of us and replied, "Um, I can't ride horses, and I'm actually a paralegal, so I'm not sure..." "Excellent!" I exclaimed upon hearing this good news, "that should be quite handy should someone become injured at the picnic. Let us take our leave then."
Ferdinando made his enthusiasm known by stating , "Oh, what the hell, I'm getting paid the same either way."
When we arrived at the picnic site, I surveyed the festivities. They had two large banners, one with the ACLU logo, and the other that said 'Welcome NAMBLA members.' I saw the usual foods and games one might find at a picnic. They had some roast meats on the spit, potato salad, watermelon, cookies and cakes. I saw that they were setting up for a three legged race, and they had a Slip & Slide; they also had something called a massage tent. One thing that struck me as odd was that I could see no fair maidens about, for the entire picnic was comprised of men and young boys, but I just assumed it must be some sort of father & son gathering.
We dismounted and I tied Peanut and Buttercup to a shady tree so that they might graze and rest. As I set out to fill Peanut's water bucket, we were quickly approached by a group of middle aged and potbellied men, who seemed to be focusing on my young Squire Ferdinando. They were all quite friendly towards him, shaking his hand, patting his back and rubbing his shoulders. For some reason Ferdinando looked terrified.
One of the men said to Ferdinando, "You've got a pretty mouth." I was familiar with this parlor game and said as much, "I love this game of guessing what movie a quote is from, but you'll have to do better than Deliverance, my potbellied inquisitor-I was right wasn't I? It's from Deliverance with Burt Reynolds and that poor man Ned Beatty." He acted as if he didn't even hear me, and repeated the quote to Ferdinando.
Then another of them offered Ferdinando a "bite of his wiener." I had become familiar with this type of trencher from my trials in Crawford, Texas, and it is not uncommon to share meals on extended campaigns, but I was confused because this man had no hot dog in hand. At this the good Ferdinando took me aside and explained a few things to me. He told me that this was not in fact a father-son gathering, but instead an association for pedophiles, and that the ACLU represented them in court. After that, Ferdinando explained to me that a pedophile was not defined as "someone without a car" (or a horse, sorry Peanut), but something infinitely worse.
I was sickened and shaken to the core with this new knowledge, but I still managed to enact a plan of battle. "Run, Ferdinando, Run!!" I yelled, "I shall hold them off, and protect your rear...oh dear...guard! Your rearguard, that is to say! Peanut! To battle!"

More information and how you can help-
Stop the ACLU
National Review Online
World Net Daily
Stop Taxpayer Funding of the ACLU

The ACLU states that they defended NAMBLA in order to defend free speech. Great, we're all for free speech, but this speech's purpose is to disseminate information in the pursuit of organized crimes against children. You may argue that curtailing any free speech is a slippery slope, and I will point out that with this sort of thing in our society, we have already slipped down a much more dangerous slope, and it's time we crawl our way back out of the muck and once again become a civilized nation.

For the ACLU's opinion on this matter, you can see their press release here
To see NAMBLA's website, do a search. I don't want the link on my page. Prepare to be disgusted but go ahead and see for yourself if you want. This is real.

*Thesaurus joke is credited to Steven Wright-we are not worthy

Hey Sean! Where ya goin' with that gun in your hand?*

2005-09-12T16:19:00.000-04:00

Hat tip to Kitty at Kitty Litter for this-

Buford T. Spicoli-"Where's my latte, damn it?"
Sean-about that post the other day, we were only kidding around, really! But seriously, we Knights Simplars are familiar with, and support all law abiding citizen's right to carry arms of all kinds. Sir Tad's tastes run to weapons with a more personal touch, such as flails and maces (and pepper spray!- see our post "You can't stop running water" from August 22 for more on that.) Not to mention the effectiveness of a good kick to the groin with a fully armored foot. It has been reported that Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore (accompanied by their armed body guards) are en route to stage an intervention with Sean.

Just a piece of advice Sean-keep an eye on your loaded gun! You remember what happened last time?

Like we said, we are all for the right to bear arms, and I certainly would have wanted a gun if I were in New Orleans during the last several days, (and maybe he was only holding it for someone else.) Having said that, maybe someone can clear up a few questions for me- Does Mr. Penn have any training in the safe handling of shotguns ? Does he need a license to carry a shotgun in the streets of New Orleans, and if so, does he have one? Was he deputized or is he in any other way associated with law enforcement? Was that shotgun purchased/owned legally? If so, who is the owner? Sean's spokesperson said it was not his, so is that even legal?

More on this at Atlas Shrugs
For more on the New Orleans gun confiscations check out The Volokh Conspiracy and Reason. Join the NRA today! More on Sean Penn's "Faux Body Armor?" at the Confederate Yankee (interesting stuff, you won't be disappointed!)
* I know the picture is a few days old already, but I just can't help myself.

Let Us Remember...

2005-09-11T12:11:00.000-04:00

...and let us never forget.

A moment of silence...
Michelle Malkin has a fitting tribute, as does Stop the ACLU and Cao's Blog

Look at the Pretty Picture

2005-09-09T14:49:00.000-04:00

The Holy and Wholly Inappropriate, Offensive Pretty Picture!
This is just too much to believe. This is the Flight 93 Memorial Design-"The Crescent of Embrace." If you don't know what's wrong with this picture, you can click the links below for all of the gory details, but in short-They intend to make the last 9/11 memorial out of the (wait for it)primary symbol of Islam. You can email the winning architect at paul@paulmurdocharchitects.com to tell him what you think. The National Park Service still has to make a final decision, so be sure to go to the Flight 93 Web contact form to tell them your opinion. Bryan Preston asks, "What next- a holcaust memorial in the shape of a swastika?" What would the (stop the) ACLU say if it was in the shape of a cross? see Ed Morrisey for more on that.

As usual, hat tip to Michelle Malkin
More about this at
Zomie
Real Clear Politics
Little Green Footballs
Update-new design already in the works at Ace of Spades HQ

Before you even get started, I know, I know I'm a "hater." I hate the fact that Muslim fundamentalist whackjobs attacked our country and then we memorialize THEM at the scene of their crime. I'm going to go bang my head with two bricks until any of this makes sense to me.

Breaking News: Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Katrina

2005-09-08T15:14:00.000-04:00

Is Bush off da Hook? (Kanye says,"I done thing so")

We have just received this as yet unverified claim of responsibility from Al Qaeda spokesman Abdullah ibn Ali ibn Ali ibn Accen ibn Fri al Hizifit:

(Begin transcript)
Praise be to Allah! Hurricane Katrina is the result of a perfectly executed decade long plan (with the permission and guidance of Allah), to bring down the Great Satan that is America, and it's lesser demon known as Mardi Gras, and it's whores of Babylon who show their breasts for beads; their bouncing, plentiful, ample, jiggling, creamy breasts ...ahem, please stop the tape, I need a moment, thank y... (tape cuts off.)

(Tape resumes:)
Thank you-someone get me a cigarette? [muffled voice in backround is heard] What's that Ahmed? No, I don't want to wrap my lips around a Camel-you won't get me with that one a third time, you dog! How about a Marlboro? But anyway, as I was saying. We diverted a few of our brighter students from the Zombie Meat Bomb Factories, I mean to say the Religious Schools of Peace and Tolerance (those that we could actually seperate physically from their camels and sheep), and sent them on full U.S. funded scholarships to the California Polytechnic State University in San Luis Obispo (praise be to Allah and GO MUSTANGS!!!)
There they learned that if all of the devoted members that comprise Al Qaeda and the Taliban were to abstain from the evils of bathing and showering (praise be to Allah, and would someone please open a window?), we could effect the water cycles and weather patterns enough to cause such a disaster. While we could not predict precisely where or when this disaster would befall the Great Satan, or even if it would not strike us dead instead, since we have not showered for 11 years, we didn't much care, praise be to Allah. That is all. Okay, turn it off. Christ it really stinks in here, someone light a candle! or get me a hose!...a sponge and a can of Coke!!...a friggin' stick of juicyfruit!!!, anythin(click)(end transcript.)

In a related story, Kanye West declared that "George Bush don't care about toe jam!"

The picture is a montage comprised entirely of pigs, so let me say here and now, my apologies to the pigs.

More on this breaking news and al Qaeda at:

Cutting Edge of Ecstacy

2005-09-07T23:31:00.000-04:00

No Need to Click Here - I'm just claiming my feed at Feedster feedster:63ff38328a0eff82fdf296d893f3590b

Update for the Obtuse

2005-09-07T21:10:00.000-04:00

Note from the Editor: It is safe to say that we all can find laudable any attempt to relieve the suffering left in Katrina's wake. Sean claims to have saved a number of people, and I do applaud him for this. So why is Mr. Penn being criticized? Well, his actions really smack of a publicity stunt, and it's a lucky thing he didn't have to be rescued himself. This has been flogged to death already, so I'll just give you some good links instead:

For more on New Orleans, Sean Penn, and Tribes-
Iowahawk-for some Nawlins News Niblets
Eject! Eject! Eject!-on Tribes, very good stuff
Lonestar Times.com-some additional commentary on Tribes
Useless Knowledge (titled Sean Penn-the ultimate A-hole)
PoserPundit-for some insights into the smartest man in pop music

Thank God for Sean Penn!

2005-09-06T01:37:00.000-04:00

Message from the Scribe- Please forgive the lack of substantial new updates to the Chronicles of the Knights Templar, and their last known knight, the goode Sir Tad. I have been busy working on final projects in Scribe School. My classes this term were Quills 110-Which one is right for you?, Ink and Society 220-Colour choices and their implications on cultural memes-can you afford not to be color blind?, and my required class on Feminist Epistemologies and Pedagogy 120- But what have you done for me lately? (It may have been required; but it was still my favorite of the three-you should have seen the teacher, Ms. Hunidsmen-grrrrrr!) (That last comment was intended in a non-patriarchal dominated, gender-neutral, eco-feminist supportive type of way.)

As last reported, our courageous knight was on his way to visit with the intrepid and brave and goodly actor Sean Penn, who was playing the role of a journalist taking the pulse on "the street" (to use the savvy journalistic vernacular) in the former Persian Empire (and to, perhaps, shop for a new rug.) Alas, once again, the goode Sir Tad was caught by messenger*, and learned that the deft goode Sean has now moved to New Orleans to help the victims of Katrina. He met up with Sean just before he launched his vessel of rescue.

And so kindly reader, I will let Sir Tad take iteth from here.

Sir Tad-"Thank you good scribe, and by the way, you should really have that cold sore looked at."

"Hail aynd harketh to myne fyne Sir Sean. Thate thys thyne mater is wonders precyous, wythe thyne entent of it is more gracyous styll. Thou hath cometh yonder to gyve thoust goode abettyng upon thyne Felawshype. Myne wytnesseth of "Faste Tymes at Rychmonde Hye" knoweth none bowndes. Praye to thee, D'ost thou styll keepeth yn touché wyth thy fayre maydn Phoebe Cates, fore myne mynd styll wondyrs bayk to thayt swymmyng poole seyne, and YOWSA! Myte I begeth thee so thate I maye hayv her fonne nombre?"

"Why the hell are you talking like that?" said Sean.

"Sorry," I said, as I unburdened Peanut of my plate mail armor’s weight, "I really am trying to work on that."

"What’s with the getup?" queried the multi-cultural embracing and accepting Sean. "It is the least protection I can afford us on our dangerous quest. Do I notice that you too are wearing a type of armor?"

"Uh, yeah, it’s a flak jacket. It’s total anarchy down here, with the right wing, neo-con, Halliburton controlled government doing nothing to stop the peaceful victims of this terrible and devastating tragedy from randomly shooting the relief workers," replied Sean.

"Ah yes," I replied, "both Peanut and I indulge in the safety of armor, as you can see, except on Fridays of course, when we get to wear Dockers." Hearing this, Peanut winced away and hung his head low. Knowing what the matter was, I said to Peanut in an affirmative tone, "You can too wear them; it's just that not everyone looks good in pleats-we'll hit the outlet store next week, I promise."

Turning my attention back to Sean, I asked him about the wisdom of venturing upon the water wearing armor of any sort. Granted, I too was wearing it, but at least I was outfitted with the Holy Water Wings of Saint Adjutor, the Patron Saint of doggy-paddlers, but then I realized that God would protect the keepers of his brothers.

Sean and his essential crew of two personal assistants and a personal photographer began to shove off in the crowded boat to give aid to those in need. I called out that it may be prudent to plug the drain hole in the bottom of the boat, but it was too late. Luckily, the goode Sir Sean had some type of beverage cup in hand to bail accordingly. When the outboard motor on the boat failed to start, the expert crew of personal assistants and celebrity personal photographer jumped into action and begain rowing with paddles. To witness such courage and resourcefulness!

When a nearby reporter callously asked the goode Sir Sean what he hoped to achieve, he gave it right back to them by saying,"whatever I can do to help." Another attack was launched at the would be rescuers when a by-stander asked, "How are you going to get any people in that thing ?"

"Let me handle this one for you, Sean! For I am emboldened by your example," I yelled. He was afraid of being shot; he should be afraid of drowning in a bullet proof vest; he had to frantically bail water out of the tiny, crowded boat while people paddled. Didn't this callous by-stander understand the goode Sir Sean had enough to worry about?

Check out Sean's future plans at Iowahawk's Nawlins News Niblets!

*Note from the Editor-While Sir Tad is the last known questing Knight Simplar, the Knights Simplar Organization as a whole still boasts a very healthy bureaucracy, complete with Marketing, R&D, HR, Regulatory and Quality, Accounting and Controlling (Payables and Receivable), IT, Logistics (Squire, Smithy, and Stable-worker Union, Local 755), and a fitness center with aerobics classes.

Please Help the Katrina Victims

2005-09-04T21:35:00.000-04:00

Please help victims of Katrina by donating to the American Red Cross, or one of the many other worthwhile charities.

You can go to Instapundit to find out how you can help.

Or you can click on flood aid.

Or you can to help hurricane katrina victims.

Thank you.

Katrina

2005-09-03T19:42:00.000-04:00

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of Katrina.

It's good to see it when people still manage to keep a sense of humor, even in the darkest of times-

For a funny video of Martin Savidge catching two uniformed New Orleans Police Officers not only doing nothing about the looters of a Walmart, but doing a little looting themsleves. Yes there are more important things to worry about than non-violent looting, but shouldn't the cops be, um, worrying about those more important things, rather than looting?
http://www.tooshocking.com/index.php?ns=view_vid&id=630

Camp Casey Update at Ann Coulter's site

2005-08-26T19:30:00.000-04:00

I found this to be surreal for some reason. Take a look and tell me what you think-must see.

Update on the World's Smallest Political Quiz

2005-08-26T15:52:00.000-04:00

Warning-internet blog rant, filled with shameless overuse of links dead ahead!

Update from The Scribe- the goode sir Tad is off today, he is taking his fierce charger, Peanut, to the vet for his annual checkup. I must admit, that at first, I was a little alarmed by the results of The World's Smallest Political Quiz. I questioned its accuracy when I didn't come out as an extreme right wing, jingoistic, war-mongering, minority-suppressing, third world stomping, reactionary, conservative Republican who likes to break small children's crayons just to see them cry. Like I said in the previous post, haven't I earned it? I have been conditioned to believe that I am those things, so I thought the quiz was rigged. Aha, I thought, it's on a Libertarian website, so everyone will come out as a Libertarian, as in a "see, you think just like we do" approach to marketing their message. So I retook the quiz and answered as far left as I could (Ward "little Eichmanns" Churchill territory, click the link if you are a Fan of Ward Churchill), and I came out as a far lefty, so the quiz is valid.

So what does this mean? I have all of the "symptoms" of being a right wing, neo-con. I'm a member of the NRA (click NRA and join today!) and I have a fondness for medieval weaponry and armor (it's a job hazard that comes with working for the Knights Simplar.) I love to read military history (click the Military Book Club and join today!) I love to read Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, and others of their ilk (click American Compass to join the ilk today!) I am against illegal immigration, and I believe that our borders should be sealed, but I have no problem with legal immigration. I believe that America is the best in the world precisely because of its ability to adopt the best of the world (click Uncle Wong's to order Chinese food today!), and I love our neighbors to the south (click Argentinean supermodels or Argentine Underwater Hockey Association, and join today!) (Update on the Argentine Underwater Hockey Association-you may have noticed that the link is dead-the bastards locked me out, but I still love 'em)

I once had a friend of twenty years, who was a liberal, free Mumia Abu-Jamel and Leonard Peltier type tell me that I had lost my ability to think critically, because he couldn't come up with an appropriate counter-argument regarding the topic at hand; his answer was to attack me personally. (It is well documented that this is the Liberal Left tactic of last resort. When you can't think of anything else to say, attack the person with whom you are arguing. I don't really need to cite examples, just read Dowd, Ivins, or Ted "Condoleezza Rice is a House N*****" Rall et al. "Dowdification" has now become a synonym in our lexicon for twisting the facts. Need I say more? I cite this example as one of my bona fides as a conservative. When a flaming Socialist Liberal calls you an idiot, you know you have made progress (I think I owe Ann Coulter credit for that idea, so Ann, let me say "Thank you and…call me? We'll do lunch")
The point of this long diatribe is that it took me awhile to appreciate the results of the quiz. It isn't that I'm not a good war-mongering, jingoistic, reactionary, small furry animal hating, Ann Coulter-loving (call me, Ann!) neo-conservative Republican. It's the incomplete reductio ad absurdum approach used by the overwhelmingly liberal media- that two opposing views cannot both be correct, therefore only the left leaning views can be correct, and opinion that sways from this must be, by definition, wrong. This either/or reasoning leads inevitably to the notion that there are no degrees of wrongness, you are either wrong (or in the Liberal view Conservative Right) or you're correct, politically, to coin a phrase; you cannot be more or less wrong. You can, however be more or less correct (liberals allow that there is much nuance on their side of the divide.) But when put to an even test, I'm actually closer to being a centrist than many of my counterparts, and they are farther from the middle than they would have you believe. But because we are so inundated with the idea that anything to the right of center is "far right, neo-con think", I didn't believe otherwise, even when I saw it with my own eyes. Now, who controls the media again?

Thank you, I feel better now. Sir Tad will be back soon. Join him as he travels to Iran to visit with Sean Penn.

Worlds Smallest Political Quiz

2005-08-25T20:37:00.000-04:00

This was worth the few seconds it took-The World's Smallest Political Quiz, at the Advocates for Self Government. I came out as a right leaning Libertarian, which isn't too far from the truth. I believe in the axiom "that government which governs least, governs best", but I was surprised (and maybe a little disapointed) that I wasn't marked as a rabid right winger-I think I've earned it, but more on that in the next update.

Update-Crawford Protesters now have Catering

2005-08-25T16:40:00.000-04:00

As I was making my way to the next stop on my quest, word came to me by runner that things have changed in Crawford. Fearing that the poor protesters were being routed, I turned Peanut back and made haste, so that I could lend my steel to the battle, and smite the evil and jingoistic "Support our Troops" mob that I had learned about my last time in Crawford.

When I arrived I was relieved to see all was well, and that now they have a catering tent. I also spotted a "Chapel Tent", so I headed in that direction to make my daily supplication; I was also hoping to hear some good Gregorian Chanting, as it had been awhile. On my way there, I was intercepted by a woman with a clipboard, and directed to the "Orientation tent"- well I didn't like the sound of that. After my experiences in North Korea, I knew that "Orientation" can sting like the dickens.

Orientation over, I was handed a sign of protest and told where to go stand, but I had other plans-the catering tent. I was hoping that it was ten-cent chicken wing night for myself, and I wanted to get Peanut a nice mesclun mix salad (he loves that raspberry dressing, you know, when they sprinkle the blue cheese and walnuts on top?)

Alas no wings in sight, but I did manage to get some form of trencher called a "wiener". As we ate our repast, I overheard a lady talking on the phone to someone named Mr. Cruze (could have been a "Mr. Cruise", I suppose). She seemed quite agitated, and was waving her arms so wildly, I did not feel it safe to lift the visor of my helmet. She told this "Mr. Cruze" that they "did not need, nor did they want", something called a "Tent of Scientrology*" or a "Tent of Psychotromitry* set up at the protest"-I'm not sure what they were going on about exactly, since it took great concentration to get the "wiener" through the little slot in my helmet, but I will update you if I find out more.

*Note from the Chronicler-
To whom it my concern-
The use of the fictional words Scientrology and Psychotomitry is a literary device, and any resemblance to a real "Religion" or "Tech" is coincidental, so please don't hurt us, or make us take a "personality test" to find out how "toxic" we are. Thank you, and have a nice, "clear", day.

Another Questing Knight

2005-08-24T17:10:00.000-04:00

As I was riding through the internet wilderness today I was thrilled to meet another questing knight (and I feared that I was the last of my kind, perhaps there are other Knights Simplar still alive as well).

He has an extensive site, filled with thoughtful material and discussions. I highly recommend that you check out A Knights Blog...for there remain dragons yet to slay.
Dragons Indeed good Sir Knight.

It may not have been a dragon, but I recently encountered a rather huffy aging folksinger-click here for a chronicle of that encounter, and click here for Wikipedia's definition of a shameless plug.

Talk about Conflicting Feelings-Regarding Cameron Diaz

2005-08-24T17:07:00.000-04:00

There is no disputing that Cameron Diaz is an incredibly beautiful lady, and even though I am a Knight in a monastic order, I still get, um, urges. But considering she's a vocal liberal Hollywood Democrat, I don't think I could stand talking to her for more than fifteen seconds. Let's give it a try...

Cameron-"Acting allows me to tell a lot of stories, you know start at the beginning, finish at the end, and tell everything in between."

Me-"Um, that's really profound, Cameron." (this isn't so bad)

Cameron-"Grease is the only cure for a hangover."

Me-"You don't say, I'll have to give that a try, the next time I overindulge on verye berye wyne from my wyneskyne." (could be true)

Cameron-"I've banged my head quite a bit..."

Me-"No kidding" (definitely true, so far so good)

Cameron-"...if you think rape should be legal, then don't vote."

Me-"And that's a rap folks, pack it up."

Just to make us feel better, here is Cameron with and without the makeup and lighting.
I know this isn't new, but I get ticked off everytime I think about this statement that she made on the Oprah Winfrey show. Plus it gives me a semi-legitimate reason to post an attractive picture of a scantily clad woman (bonus, and Praise be to God!)

For more gems by Cameron, check out BrainyQuote.

The Greatest Movie Line Ever?

2005-08-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

Betsy Newmark at Michelle Malkin is Brutally Honest about the greatest movie line ever. Enjoy!

(Editor's note-What's better than a trifecta? Because I just got four links for one item.)

*LEGAL DISCLAIMER-No animals were harmed during the production of this website. Admittedly, one small animal was verbally abused, perhaps taunted may be more accurate, but he seems to have recovered nicely, and is now "doing busy" in my shoe. Have a nice day.

A Few Good Blogs-

2005-08-23T14:50:00.000-04:00

Stop the ACLU-Beating the ACLU with their own hammer and sickle-you gotta love that.

The Wide Awakes-they have a disturbing photo of Hillary. You were warned.

Sanity's Bluff-Just a good patriotic website. Nice to see.

A Sailor in the Desert-Another good patriotic blog.

You Can't Stop Running Water

2005-08-22T21:33:00.000-04:00

Peanut and I are off to the dusty prairie of Crawford, Texas for our next quest. There seems to be some hullaballoo going on down there about one protest or another, but I'm off to see the splendid and wonderful Joan Baez. With some 50 albums and over 23 songs to her credit, Joan is a one woman power house of acoustic soprano folk music. Praise be to our good Lord in Heaven!

Alas, I arrived too late, having just missed her performance by days (Peanut is not as young as he used to be). But I did manage to catch up to Joan and have a few words.

"Harketh to thee m'goode ladye Joan! I bringeth goode tidingse to thee and thine. My fierce destrier and I have travellede w'out delaye nee ony taryenge fore manye a mile, with grete swete and no respyte so thate we maye give goode wytness to thoust mynstrall showe, but alas we are too late (sic). I praye thee, and offer thee mine skyne of wyne to slayke thine thyrste ('tis verye berrye flavoure), so that we coulde begeth yon to syng a sweete, sweete songe of joye or woe?"

"Why the hell are you talking like that?", she said, moving away from me cautiously. "Er, sorry, I get a little carried away sometimes," I replied, as I dismounted.

"Anyway, the show's over, and I have to get going, besides, my guitar is already packed up" she replied, "but I'm sorry for your troubles."

"Thank you. You could strum my lute...I'd be tickled," I said, holding out the instrument, "Perhaps just one song? How about 'If I had a hammer?" "That was Trini Lopez-I'm Joan Baez" said Joan Baez.

"If I had a hammer, I'd smite some evil-doers right in the kisser, that's for sure," I proclaimed fiercely, punching my mailed fist into my mailed palm.

"Maybe you should go across the road then, there are plenty of evil-doers over there, well maybe not evil, but certainly misguided," she said pointing to a few people standing in a ditch across the way, in what I suspected was an effort to get me away from her. "Whatever do you mean ?" I replied as I assessed the possible field of battle (or ditch of battle as it were) "they look like pretty good people to me."

"THEY are the pro-war group, WE are here to protest the war", she said, her voice tensing. At this, Peanut bucked and whinnied not a little, kicking up dust. "Good lady, please be careful what thou sayeth in front of my charger, Peanut, for he is a warhorse, and not a young one at that," I cautioned, as I patted Peanut's neck, calming him down, "if not for war, then what will he do? He can't exactly get an office job, for he has no curriculum vitae or opposable digits".

"Sorry," she said "but like I told the AP, it was the final tear..."

"Tear...is someone crying ?", I queried "Do they need a Kleenex?" "No, it's a metaphor...an idiom" she sighed. "Well, there's no reason for name calling, but I think I have one here somewhere," I mumbled as I searched through my saddle bags, "let me see, long sword, morning star, flail, Peanut's dress shoes, mace, pepper spray...you can't be too careful these days you know...ah, here it is, one fresh robin's egg coloured Kleenex."

"No," she said in exasperation, pushing the kleenex away, "I was saying it was the final tear for the overflow and you can't stop running water...". "Running Water..." I said in alarm, scanning the horizon, "are there Indian savages on the prowl ? I mean, peaceful Native American casino owners?"

"No, I meant..." she tried.

"My Indian name is 'Runs with Scissors" I interjected proudly, puffing out my chest, "It used to be 'Throws like a Girl', but I got better."

"I'm talking about actual water, running water..."she spurted.

"Did you try jiggling the handle," I offered helpfully, "or a bucket! Peanut, did we bring the bucket? Let's see here, longsword, morning star, flail..."

"No, you idiot" she yelled before catching herself, "war is bad, can you understand that much?" At that she stomped off in a huff into the dusty haze of the Texas dusk towards her chariot, as I stared after her blankly, my gaze clouded by a tear. It seems she might be right after all, I thought, perhaps you can't stop running water. Wherever did I place thine Kleenex?

"Come, my trusty Peanut," I said as I put my foot in the stirrup, "let's go home, for there will be no sweet song for us here today." Obviously, I thought as we road away, Lady Joan has suffered from the heat, not having the benefit of 80 pounds of insulating plate mail-She could not have meant those bad things she said. "If I had a hammer..."

Note from the editor-
Please forgive the good Sir Tad Babbert in his follies, for he often gets caught up in the moment. We offer our deepest condolences to Ms. Sheehan for her loss, but we believe that her son's noble sacrifice saved hundreds and possibly thousands of American lives, by taking the fight to the enemy. Furthermore, Casey Sheehan re-upped in the Army for a second tour, being fully aware of the inherent dangers and risks, and he did so as an adult, of his own free accord. By all evidence, he was a patriot and a warrior, and should be honored as such.

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived"-George S. Patton, Jr.

For more opinions check out these links-
Chrenkoff-an excellent piece from down under
Fallen Heroes of Operation Iraqi Freedom-A site honoring Spc. Casey Sheehan
Sheehan doesn't have the corner on moral authority-By Kathleen Parker

The Shepherd and the Magi

2005-08-21T20:58:00.000-04:00

I am recovering from my travels to a Holy Land. Not Jerusalem, but a different kind of Holy Land. It is a veritable paradise on Earth. A worker's paradise to be exact. The streets were so wide that there hardly seemed to be any cars on them, and the people were off somewhere, probably toiling away for the common good and no doubt singing songs of praise for their Dear Leader, because I rarely caught a glimpse of the average Kim.

I was on a pilgrimage with Ted, riding my trusty battle steed Peanut, to Pyongyang, North Korea, in order to observe his talks with North Korea's leaders, or at least one of them, well, he's sort of high up, and he looked well fed at least- Vice Foreign Minister Kim Kye-gwan. It reminded me of another momentous encounter, oh, about two thousand years ago between the newborn Son of God and three wise men. Except this was Ted "If I had any humility, I would be perfect" Turner, and some short, nervous guy in a really bad suit with glasses, but otherwise, it was spot on.

Ted is working to have the DMZ turned into a nature preserve and a "peace park", and as the Boston Globe quoted Mr. Turner as saying "you can't have a peace park without peace". How very true, Ted, how very true. A sound bite like that is what we Knights Simplars are all about-it was clear, concise, and well, simple. Let me give that soundbite-making business a try- "You can't have a worker's paradise without workers. Shoeless, terrified, bark-eating workers." How was that and why are those men coming at me with cattle prods? I digress. Quickly.

The three of us stood together and surveilled the dreaded DMZ, but imagined as one a peace park/nature preserve/water slide bonanza (the last part was my idea, because I know how much the Dear Leader loves water slides.) As I sat atop Peanut in my glistening golden armor, reflecting radiant gossomer sunbeams (Peanut has glistening golden armor as well-see previous posts for importance of shiny things and the PETA website for warhorse safety equipment regulations and recommendations), I spotted a strange and beautiful bird landing next to us, apparantly attracted by the shimmering shininess of my attire. The bird exploded upon touching down, throwing me from Peanut's back and knocking me unconcious. As I slowly regained consciousness, I learned that it was an endangered white naped crane that just happened to land on one of the million or so mines in the DMZ.

As Peanut and I recuperated in one of the excellent worker's paradise hospitals/forced labor mining camps, I began to see Ted's master plan. Oh, he won't admit to it, he's far too modest for that, but I put tul and tul together. What do you get when you put one million land mines together with the endangered white naped crane? Apparantly one less mine, and a nest full of parentless endangered white naped crane eggs. As the sound bite goes-"You can't make an omelet without breaking a few endangered white naped crane eggs". Who's hungry?

*No animals were hurt in the production of this column.

Editor's note-The suffering of the North Korean People is unparalelled. You can make a difference (if not you, then who?)
Photo by Peter Kovacs

Check out the links below to learn more.
US Committee for Human Rights in North Korea-How you can make a difference.

The North Korea Freedom Coalition Website-For more information on North Korea