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Chronicles of the Knights Simplar
Looking for Logic on the Liberal Left...this may take awhile

Picnic with the ACLU

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Warning!! Contains graphic innuendos!
From the Scribe's Archives: we know this isn't new, but it can't hurt to make sure everyone knows about this topic. It is not our intention to make light of this subject, but rather to educate people in an entertaining way. Our prayers go out to the victims of this organization.

On this day, the goode and chaste Sir Tad was in a most joyous temper, for he had receiveth an invitation to a picnic, and like all Knights Simplar, he doth loveth a goode picnic. Little did he anticipate the frightful horrors that lay before him on this grim day, so consider yourselves warned dear and gentle readers, for this tale is not fit for the squeamish, the faint of heart, the very young or old, or for small furry animals.

He hath polithed, sorry polished his and Peanut's finest golden armor until it glowed with a glimmering, sheeny, shininess...is that enough with the shiny references? Sir Tad, "just a bit more?" Fine, fine...sparkling with an intensely illuminated incandescence. We're going to need a new thesaurus at this rate! Sir Tad, "I'll pick one up on my way back...what's another word for thesaurus* in case I run into trouble?"

Sir Tad, "Thank you goode Scribe. Your cold sore seems to have cleared up nicely. As the fine scrivener hath stated, I had receiveth an invitation to a picnic by what seemed like the finest of all possible organizations-the ACLU. They informed me that they were holding this picnic for some of their special clients, an organization known as NAMBLA and they were inviting me to observe and partake of the festivities to witness the fine work that they do. I learned that the letters ACLU were in fact something known as an acronym, and it stood for the American Civil Liberties Union (searching their website, I alas could find no information about NAMBLA, but it is hard to type with mailed fists of steel, so maybe it was just me.) I could think of few organizations with higher ideals than what this ACLU collective must represent (with the exception of the Knights Simplar of course.) AMERICAN-the free, the brave; what could be better. CIVIL- as a card carrying member of an ancient order of monastic questing knights, I value civility towards my fellow man above all other things, except of course a good Shakira video (what can I say, it's hard to be monastic); LIBERTIES-what do we quest and fight for if not for liberty and freedom? UNION-um, well actually I had recently received a memo from Corporate instructing me to "temporarily" outsource our Squire services (you may have seen in an earlier post that the Knights Simplar relied upon the Squire, Smithy, and Stablehand union local #755, but apparently we are in contract negotiations right now.) So I called an agency that specializes in exactly this sort of thing, Esquire Temps. They sent over a strapping young lad named Ferdinando; he had dark intelligent eyes and didn't look a day over sixteen (though he said he was twenty-two years of age); he was straight of back and broad of shoulder, and looked like he would make an excellent knight of the quest in due time. Let us meet him and begin our tale thusly.

"Good day to thee Squire Ferdinando! Today's quest should be a piece of cake, for the sun is bright and we are attending a picnic for some fine Americans. I would like you to meet your mount for today, the fine mare Buttercup," I said holding out her reins, "she is the 'lady friend' of my fierce and fearless battle charger, Peanut!"
Ferdinando shifted awkwardly, looking at the three of us and replied, "Um, I can't ride horses, and I'm actually a paralegal, so I'm not sure..." "Excellent!" I exclaimed upon hearing this good news, "that should be quite handy should someone become injured at the picnic. Let us take our leave then."
Ferdinando made his enthusiasm known by stating , "Oh, what the hell, I'm getting paid the same either way."
When we arrived at the picnic site, I surveyed the festivities. They had two large banners, one with the ACLU logo, and the other that said 'Welcome NAMBLA members.' I saw the usual foods and games one might find at a picnic. They had some roast meats on the spit, potato salad, watermelon, cookies and cakes. I saw that they were setting up for a three legged race, and they had a Slip & Slide; they also had something called a massage tent. One thing that struck me as odd was that I could see no fair maidens about, for the entire picnic was comprised of men and young boys, but I just assumed it must be some sort of father & son gathering.
We dismounted and I tied Peanut and Buttercup to a shady tree so that they might graze and rest. As I set out to fill Peanut's water bucket, we were quickly approached by a group of middle aged and potbellied men, who seemed to be focusing on my young Squire Ferdinando. They were all quite friendly towards him, shaking his hand, patting his back and rubbing his shoulders. For some reason Ferdinando looked terrified.
One of the men said to Ferdinando, "You've got a pretty mouth." I was familiar with this parlor game and said as much, "I love this game of guessing what movie a quote is from, but you'll have to do better than Deliverance, my potbellied inquisitor-I was right wasn't I? It's from Deliverance with Burt Reynolds and that poor man Ned Beatty." He acted as if he didn't even hear me, and repeated the quote to Ferdinando.
Then another of them offered Ferdinando a "bite of his wiener." I had become familiar with this type of trencher from my trials in Crawford, Texas, and it is not uncommon to share meals on extended campaigns, but I was confused because this man had no hot dog in hand. At this the good Ferdinando took me aside and explained a few things to me. He told me that this was not in fact a father-son gathering, but instead an association for pedophiles, and that the ACLU represented them in court. After that, Ferdinando explained to me that a pedophile was not defined as "someone without a car" (or a horse, sorry Peanut), but something infinitely worse.
I was sickened and shaken to the core with this new knowledge, but I still managed to enact a plan of battle. "Run, Ferdinando, Run!!" I yelled, "I shall hold them off, and protect your rear...oh dear...guard! Your rearguard, that is to say! Peanut! To battle!"

More information and how you can help-
Stop the ACLU
National Review Online
World Net Daily
Stop Taxpayer Funding of the ACLU

The ACLU states that they defended NAMBLA in order to defend free speech. Great, we're all for free speech, but this speech's purpose is to disseminate information in the pursuit of organized crimes against children. You may argue that curtailing any free speech is a slippery slope, and I will point out that with this sort of thing in our society, we have already slipped down a much more dangerous slope, and it's time we crawl our way back out of the muck and once again become a civilized nation.

For the ACLU's opinion on this matter, you can see their press release here
To see NAMBLA's website, do a search. I don't want the link on my page. Prepare to be disgusted but go ahead and see for yourself if you want. This is real.

*Thesaurus joke is credited to Steven Wright-we are not worthy